the dumber they are the harder they fall

Retail hold-ups and robberies serve as a tent pole on the police blotter of just about every local newspaper. And while most of these crimes tend to follow a simple formula-thief holds up store at gun/knifepoint; thief takes money and runs; thief (hopefully) gets caught by the police-some that are a bit more unorthodox and slip through the cracks.

Here’s a small sampling of some of the more unusual and sometimes humorous attempted c-store hold ups that have taken place in recent months. And remember, while crime never pays, it doesn’t seem to make anyone any smarter either.

  • Got gas?

    Rising gas prices seem to be affecting the criminal world as well as law-abiding citizens. In Royal Oaks, Mich., a man decided to rob a 7-Eleven store with a hidden weapon. The thief quickly escaped the store only to have his getaway truck run out of gas a mile down the road. Suspicious police officers responding to the clerk’s 911 calls found the pulled over vehicle, matched the driver up with the description and made the arrest. For the record, the 7-Eleven in question sells gasoline.

  • A man and his axe. A Mt. Pleasant, Texas, man decided to take an axe to the economy-quite literally. Jeffery Ray Davis, 35, turned himself in after being caught by surveillance cameras while attempting to destroy an ATM with the chopping device. Davis attacked three different ATMs and was unable to open any of them, despite causing thousands of dollars in damage. Davis and his axe turned out to be about as sharp as a bowling ball.
  • Cleaning up the criminals. As if there was any question, the squeegee has been found to be mightier than the sword. In order to defend himself and his store while being held up at knifepoint, a clerk at a Boise, Idaho 7-Eleven attacked the robber with a long-handled squeegee. After using the squeegee to disarm the robber, the clerk further used his weapon of choice to detain the robber in a corner until the police arrived. No word on whether the clerk also checked his oil.
  • Forget met not. And while the squeegee may be mightier than the sword, that didn’t stop a robber in Perth, Australia from brandishing a rapier anyway. Using an ornamental sword, a robber forced the attendant at a local gas station to load a bag with the store’s cash and several packs of cigarettes. But the forgetful felon inexplicably left his bag of loot on the front counter as he fled on foot. After realizing his mistake, the robber then went back to the station once it was closed and begged them to reopen so he could recover the loot he initially intended to steal. The station attendant called the police while continuing to deny the brazen burglar entry to the store. Police were able to arrive at the store and apprehend the genius fleeing the station, sword and all.
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